How To Get Your Child To Do Chores

Parents feel frustrated when they have to tell their child over and over to help around the house. They know that what they're asking (take out the trash, set the table, rake the leaves, etc.) is minimal compared to the full adult responsibility of running a household. They also know how much time they spend meeting their child's needs, driving her to special activities, shopping for her clothes, and preparing for her friends' visits.

Most parents believe that everyone in the family should routinely help out. They feel that doing chores will teach their child responsibility, help her mature, and let her make a contribution. But in reality, most children don't do regular chores without constant reminders, threats, bribes, and arguments. This was true when they were younger, it's true of 10 to 13 year-olds, and it usually remains true of children until they leave home. It doesn't seem to matter whether children are paid for their efforts or not. The problems involved in getting children to do routine chores often outweigh the benefits.

Children don't do their chores because the work is not a priority for them. They don't care about order and cleanliness the way their parents do. Dirty dishes, an overflowing trash can, toothpaste in the sink, roller skates left out, and baseball cards on the floor don't bother them. A child never complains to her parents, "The kitchen's a mess!"

Children often resent chores because their busy schedules leave little free time. A child who spends a full day in school, then goes to after-school care or a recreation class followed by an evening of homework, will not willingly wash the dishes. In addition, if stresses have built up during the day, chores can become a target of frustration. "Everybody always tells me what to do!" It's easier for a child to argue with her parents than with a teacher who may have been especially demanding earlier in the day.

When a child isn't interested in a routine chore, she avoids it. She'll procrastinate, move slowly, or be easily distracted. Many parents label this behavior laziness, but it is really a child's normal response to something she doesn't like.

If a child actually does do her chores, her parents may still be frustrated because of the quality of the work. The table won't really be cleared, crumbs will be left on the floor, the top will be off the toothpaste, and clothes will still be in a pile. When parents express their displeasure, their child becomes defensive. "Does it have to be perfect?"

If you want your child to do regular chores, you'll have to continually remind her. Try to stay calm. If you use a harsh tone, your child will be less cooperative: "I hate cleaning up!" You'll get a better response if you begin your reminders with "Before you leave, please . . ." or "Don't forget to . . ."or "I'd like your help with . . ."

Offer your child choices or vary her assignments. Some families have success with a job wheel of rotating responsibilities. Teach your child the most efficient way to do a task. She may resist an assignment because she's never learned how to do it. One boy told his mother, "I don't fold the laundry right because you never showed me how." Occasionally surprise your child by taking over one of her routine tasks. "I know you've been busy with schoolwork, so I'll vacuum for you this week."

If regular chores are causing too much conflict in your family, reconsider your expectations. A neat, well-managed home may not be worth the unhappiness and pressure your child feels. Many parents end up asking their child to do specific jobs as the need comes up, rather than assigning permanent tasks. "You take care of the basement while I straighten the living room." "Please clean your room before your friend gets here." "I want you to set the table tonight." "Give me a hand with these groceries." You will find your child more willing to help if the need is apparent and if she isn't overburdened by routine household tasks. Of course, asking for help when you need it means the initiative is yours, not your child's. However, that is probably the case even if your child has regular tasks assigned, since she will need many reminders.

Everyone, including you and your child, grows up hearing adults stress the importance of cleaning up and doing household chores. Most people don't fully integrate and act on these messages until they are grown and on their own. The summer before freshman year at college, many parents are still trying to teach their child the best way to do laundry, mend clothes, and cook.

It's right to expect your child to help out. However, it's realistic to assume her help will be neither as frequent nor as efficient as you'd like. Try to be patient. And reinforce the good jobs she does, letting her know that you do appreciate her efforts.